The other day I started a new job as a dog walker. As I was walking towards my first dog of the day, I felt alive, alert and ready to take on the world. I was looking down at my phone and I stepped in something strange. I looked down and realized it was a mango. I was grossed out, but quickly put things into perspective because it could’ve been worse. Of all the things I could step in on the street, a mango would be among my top choices. Needless to say I was feeling lucky. A couple hours later, however, after lots of walking around and playing with dogs, things took a turn for the worst. I was exhausted. I began to question my path in life and the choices that led me where I am today. Would I ever be happy? Would I ever find love? Would I be doomed to pick up dog poop forever? Then, like a beacon of hope, I came across a Juice Generation and got myself a smoothie with mango in it. I love smoothies, but I don’t normally opt for ones with mango. I don’t know whether the mango that I stepped in at the start of the day was inspiration or foreshadowing for the smoothie that would bring me back to life and carry me through the rest of the day. But either way, I was grateful. Grateful for smoothies, for mangoes, for Juice Generation, for life as New York CIty dog walker!
Sometimes I worry that people I went to high school with don’t think I’ve changed that much. They still see me as this girl whose unsure of the future, without a full-time job, or “friends.” But I’ve got news for them, I’ve changed a lot since high school! I started to wear lotion, every day. Like an adult. Also, the other day, I used a public restroom and there was no toilet paper. So I used a receipt. I’m innovative. So what some of my high school friends have money in both their checking and savings account. And some of them use tupperware containers. Well, I’m resourceful AND I have smooth skin.
When I was little I was scared of being abducted by aliens, because I feared that they would kidnap me and anally probe me. I watched a lot of X-Files. I’m obviously no longer scared of this today, but I’m surprised that my parents didn’t think I was a genius for this fear. I mean anal probe is a pretty big word for a five year old. Now I’m just scared of conversations and having an actual adult job. And I’m a real letdown to my parents. Sorry I wasn’t anally probed as a kid mom and dad! My fears never came to fruition, but it looks like yours did!
We have toilets that flush automatically. So why does everyone look at me like I’m a crazy person when I suggest one that wipes my butt, does my laundry, brushes my hair and holds me and tells me everything’s going to be okay when I cry?
The other day I saw a man walking down the street with a loudspeaker. I recognized him from last year when he was yelling at everyone for shopping. Telling us to enjoy our last day on Earth because shopping was a sin. As it turned out, he was wrong. Although I was a little nervous to see what he would be yelling this time, I was pleasantly surprised by what I heard. He said, “Do you know what stuck up means? it means you’ve got a stick up your butt. Don’t go into 2014 with a stick up your butt. Can you imagine being old with a stick up your butt?” I’m a sucker for anything butt related so I thought this was much better advice.
- You say downward spiral, I say riding the roller coaster of life on a downhill slope and laughing/crying with glee!
- You say dying on the inside. I say slowly rotting away with fear/impending doom/glee!
- You say cry for help. I say yelling with fear/impending doom/glee!
Just working on my positive attitude. I’M IN A GOOD PLACE!
Fun fact! Butterflies fart as they fly. In fact, it’s their farts that make them fly. CUTE!
Fun fact! Rhinos can only poop underwater. And they cry when they do it. Isn’t that sweet?!
Fun fact! Hippos sometimes don’t feel confident. They compare themselves to each other and other animals. But they’re BEAUTIFUL!
Fun fact! Oversized shirts look great on everyone :)
Fun fact! I’m crying right now :)
When Eliza was in fourth grade her science fair project, the No Mess Edible Dog Bowl, made it to the state convention. It consisted of dry dog food softened with water and a little peanut butter, mashed with a fork, flattened, then baked in a greased pie plate at 250 degrees until crunchy. Remove, fill with canned dog food, and voila, it’s a dog-food pie where the dog gets to eat the dish.
We thought it was impressive that Liza took this simple, mildly disgusting idea to the state level, along with Lucky (seen in the background) the stuffed dog she won at a carnival and slept with every night. She didn’t end up with any ribbons, even though she was the most adorable kid there, by a lot. Apparently that’s not how science competitions work.
MY BEST HAIR DAY/BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!
No need to be so excited, Liberty Bank. We both know what’s in there and it’s not pretty.
Sometimes I think to myself “if someone told me when I was little I would try to be do doing stand-up comedy, I wouldn’t believe them.” But then again I also never thought I would have to psych myself up to attempt to have normal conversations with people. So you really can’t predict the future.