The other night I was on the subway pretty late when I saw a girl rush in carrying a container of potato salad. I thought she was going to wait until she got home to enjoy her treat, but she couldn’t wait. I’ve never seen someone eat potato salad with such urgency and blatant disregard of ones surroundings. I was in awe and for the first time I realized, sometimes when you need potato salad you need potato salad. I was happy she was getting what she wanted. But, most of all, I was happy that I got to be part of this moment. Long live potato salad and long live following your heart!
The other day I started a new job as a dog walker. As I was walking towards my first dog of the day, I felt alive, alert and ready to take on the world. I was looking down at my phone and I stepped in something strange. I looked down and realized it was a mango. I was grossed out, but quickly put things into perspective because it could’ve been worse. Of all the things I could step in on the street, a mango would be among my top choices. Needless to say I was feeling lucky. A couple hours later, however, after lots of walking around and playing with dogs, things took a turn for the worst. I was exhausted. I began to question my path in life and the choices that led me where I am today. Would I ever be happy? Would I ever find love? Would I be doomed to pick up dog poop forever? Then, like a beacon of hope, I came across a Juice Generation and got myself a smoothie with mango in it. I love smoothies, but I don’t normally opt for ones with mango. I don’t know whether the mango that I stepped in at the start of the day was inspiration or foreshadowing for the smoothie that would bring me back to life and carry me through the rest of the day. But either way, I was grateful. Grateful for smoothies, for mangoes, for Juice Generation, for life as New York CIty dog walker!
Sometimes I worry that people I went to high school with don’t think I’ve changed that much. They still see me as this girl whose unsure of the future, without a full-time job, or “friends.” But I’ve got news for them, I’ve changed a lot since high school! I started to wear lotion, every day. Like an adult. Also, the other day, I used a public restroom and there was no toilet paper. So I used a receipt. I’m innovative. So what some of my high school friends have money in both their checking and savings account. And some of them use tupperware containers. Well, I’m resourceful AND I have smooth skin.
When I was little I was scared of being abducted by aliens, because I feared that they would kidnap me and anally probe me. I watched a lot of X-Files. I’m obviously no longer scared of this today, but I’m surprised that my parents didn’t think I was a genius for this fear. I mean anal probe is a pretty big word for a five year old. Now I’m just scared of conversations and having an actual adult job. And I’m a real letdown to my parents. Sorry I wasn’t anally probed as a kid mom and dad! My fears never came to fruition, but it looks like yours did!
We have toilets that flush automatically. So why does everyone look at me like I’m a crazy person when I suggest one that wipes my butt, does my laundry, brushes my hair and holds me and tells me everything’s going to be okay when I cry?
The other day I saw a man walking down the street with a loudspeaker. I recognized him from last year when he was yelling at everyone for shopping. Telling us to enjoy our last day on Earth because shopping was a sin. As it turned out, he was wrong. Although I was a little nervous to see what he would be yelling this time, I was pleasantly surprised by what I heard. He said, “Do you know what stuck up means? it means you’ve got a stick up your butt. Don’t go into 2014 with a stick up your butt. Can you imagine being old with a stick up your butt?” I’m a sucker for anything butt related so I thought this was much better advice.
Sometimes I think to myself “if someone told me when I was little I would try to be do doing stand-up comedy, I wouldn’t believe them.” But then again I also never thought I would have to psych myself up to attempt to have normal conversations with people. So you really can’t predict the future.
When I was younger I would eat an insane amount of ice cream. But I would it eat it in a really strange way. I would stir it before eating it and make it really soupy. So I would turn hard packed ice cream into soft serve simply by using hand power. It took patience, dedication and a lot of work. But it was worth it. Once I got a really bad blister from my ice cream stirring and I couldn’t stir it for a week. It was painful. But even more than painful, however, it was really embarrassing because I don’t think there’s a sadder way to get an injury.
I’m not a violent or angry person, but sometimes when I see someone yawn I want to smash their face into tiny pieces and feed it to a dog and then make that dog vomit and put the person’s face back together and punch them again and feed it to the dog again and then make the face normal again because I would feel bad. I would also make sure the dog enjoyed the taste and everything. I’m not a monster.
You know what’s crazy to think about? If Ariel the Little Mermaid were to die, what her eulogy would be like. Do you think the fact that she was a mermaid would be addressed? Or would that be glossed over? And if it was included, how much detail would one go into? Like would the whole Ursula ordeal be mentioned?Also would Flounder, Sebastian and her other sea friends be able to go to said funeral? Another crazy thing to think about is that I NEED A JOB!
I think Maria von Trapp should get a life. These are a few of her favorite things?
1)Raindrops on roses-Rain sucks and roses are for losers. 2)Whiskers on kittens-DUMB. 3)Bright copper kettles-Who cares about kettles give me something I can actually enjoy, like money and or someone to love me. I’m lonely. 4)Warm woolen mittens-I want gloves. Mittens are for babies. 5)Brown paper packages tied up with strings-wrap my presents in nice paper PLEASE. 6)Cream colored ponies-DIE. 7)Crisp apple strudels-YUCK. 8)Doorbells-I could care less about doorbells. Walk into my house for all I care. Ring the bell and all hell breaks lose. I swear. I HATE the sound of bells. 9)Sleigh bells-Ugh, PLEASE NO MORE BELLS! 10)Schnitzel with noodles-YUCK AGAIN. Maria’s got the worst taste. I’d rather eat a fried up whisker from a cat. :) 11)Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings-I’m never out at night to see these geese, but I wish I were!!! 12)Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes-Kids? Who needs them! Not me. And kids in white dresses? EVEN WORSE! Just try keeping those clean. 13)Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes-And look like a fucking idiot? No thank you! I appreciate the sentiment, but you’re a real idiot. 14)Silver white winters that melt into springs-What part of snow is terrible, don’t you understand? Just give me a mild Winter, with lots of wild geese flying around. Thank you!
Sometimes when I drink water I get too proud of myself. I have to remind myself that staying hydrated really isn’t that difficult or big of a deal. It’s something that is just expected of me. But then I think, hey don’t sell yourself short. You’re doing great. You may not have a “real” job but you’re drinking water and being you and that’s all that matters.
When I see someone with a rattail. I don’t think of it as ugly. I think of it as their true soul peeking out of their body. A person with a rattail isn’t asking for acceptance, with their no-holds-barred approach to hair growth, they’re demanding it.
The Best Face To Make Depending On The Fart You're Making
A cute fart. Reserved for one that is roughly a second long and is in an alto range. A smile will add even more cuteness to this already adorable fart.
This face is for the bigger, louder, and more grotesque farts. You want the reaction to be fear and then laughter. And, believe me, this will get big laughs.
Perfect for the honk fart. This fart is a surprise for everyone, even you. Coupled with your adorable surprised expression, will invoke nostalgic memories of children’s birthday parties with party horns. People will love you for this.
Hold The Phone
A silent or extremely quiet fart that runs the risk of smelling terrible. You want to conceal this fart, so pretend you’re on the phone. You’re busy. Your hands are full and your mind is occupied. You’re a professional. There is NO way you could be farting!
Reserved for the slow, long fart that you want no part of. It sounds bad and you are ashamed. You want others to know that you are a kind person and you’re concerned for their well being. You had no control of this bodily function, but you are deeply sorry. With a face like that, they’ll understand.
Sometimes when I’m in a yoga class I purposely do poses wrong so that the yoga teacher will have to physically fix it. And it’s only when I’m in a legs bent terrible excuse for a downward dog and saying, “Please touch me” in my head, do I realize how sad it is.
The other day I was waiting for the subway and I saw a rat on the platform. I’m not the biggest rat fan, but I think we can all agree that we should applaud this rat for his bravery. He stepped out of his comfort zone and took a risk. He probably felt out of place, but he looked confident and I think that’s something we can all aspire to.
Every time I dig through cookie dough ice cream and find no cookie dough I ask myself, “Is this some sick joke?” Then I realize the joke is on me, because I’m the one who is home alone on a Friday night eating ice cream out of the container and talking to myself.
For Valentine’s Day-The Disney Relationships You Wish You Had
Belle and the Beast: Every woman wishes someone loved her enough to kidnap her, lock her up and yell at her a lot. That’s how true love grows and flourishes. Plus the beast was super hot. Body full of fur, giant teeth, a terrifying voice, and lots of weird embellished outfits. Yes please!
Pocahontas & John Smith: They always say the best relationships bloom when a man first thinks of you as a savage and their relationship was no exception. Maybe they didn’t stay together in the end, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. A long distance relationship with a man who doesn’t completely respect me or my family/tribe? Yes please!
Ariel & Eric: We all want a man to fall in love with our looks and not our opinions or personality. That’s why their relationship was perfect! Ariel lost her voice but not her beauty, which is what truly matters. Also, a man who’d still want to have sex with me after finding out I’m a sea creature? Yes please!
Cinderella &: Prince Charming: A man who is gracious enough to return a womans shoe after a wild night out? Yes PLEASE!
Simba & Nala: I want to have sex with a lion.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: 7 men to have sex with? Yes please!
Cinderella and Those 3 Mice Friends: 3 super supportive and encouraging mice to have sex with? Yes please!
Princess Jasmine and her dad: A supportive dad would be nice.
My new favorite thing that keeps happening to me is after a snowstorm when it’s really slippery out, I’ll be walking outside and a little old lady will ask me to hold her hand while she crosses the street. It feels so good to help someone and they are always so grateful. Recently, however, I saw a little old lady who I thought was struggling to cross the street. I asked if she wanted me to hold her hand. She looked deeply disturbed and made me feel like some weird creep who goes around town looking for old people to hold her hand so she won’t feel so alone for a couple of minutes during the day. And the worst part was she was right.
The other day I was walking home, holding my Trader Joe’s grocery bag close to my heart, because I bought perfectly ripe bananas and I felt very protective over them, when I saw two different couples making out. It was then that I realized love comes in all shapes and sizes. And mine just happened to be a grocery bag filled with perfectly ripe bananas.
The other day I was walking and a man looked at this girl ahead of me and made these gross kissing noises to her as she walked past him. I wanted to ask him what he thought that would do? Did he think the girl would fall in love with him and start kissing him back? Did he think that she would think he was cool and ask him out? I also wanted to ask him, what about me?
Flat Belly Secrets: 6 Things You're Not Doing But NEED To In Order To Get That Six-Pack
1)Pray: Ask whatever God or mythical spirit you believe in for toned abs. If you pray hard enough I think there is a 50% chance your prayers will be answered (So long as you are following a diet and exercise regimen in addition to the praying.)
2)Draw It: Use a pen or marker to draw that six-pack on. Try to find the best color for your skin tone. You want it to look natural. When people say “Hey, you drew those on.” Say, “What?” Then run away. Running will also help you get a six-pack.
3)Paint It: Similar to drawing your abs on, but use paint this time. If you’re tired of running, walk briskly and pray that people asking about your painted-on abs won’t catch up to you.
4)Try Crunches: When you get too tired/angry start praying again. Then grab that pen or a paint brush because those abs won’t be beautifully crafted by themselves.
5)Load Up on Fiber: Eating a ton of fiber will help you forget about all the difficulties you’re facing while getting those sculpted abs. From the pain you’ve endured to wash off the paint and pen marks, to the crunch you attempted, a food coma in fiber form is well earned and necessary.
6)Maybe a Milk Bath? It might help get off those pen and paint marks.
I have these calcium gummy vitamins that I take every morning, because I am an adult who needs calcium and prefers to get my vitamins in candy form. There are 3 flavors, cherry, orange and strawberry. I don’t like the orange ones as much as the others and am always a little sad when I have to eat that flavor. Recently, however, upon purchasing a new jar of my gummy calcium supplements I had a revelation. I decided to eat all of the orange ones before I got to the other flavors. I knew it would be a challenge, but once I finished them I would have only the good flavors to look forward to. I called my challenge “Operation Orange.” Well, today I completed “Operation Orange” and I can honestly say undergoing this was one of the best decisions of my life. Now, with only the cherry and strawberry flavors left, I wake up every morning excited to start the day. I feel strong and alive and it’s not just because I’m meeting my daily calcium needs, it’s because I challenged myself and I succeeded.
For my entire life, people have thought me a bit off. Of course, they are too polite to say this to my face and I am slightly paranoid, but I know it’s true. I am a bit off. I’m overly friendly and have an odd habit of pulling my shirt sleeves over my hands. When asked how I’m doing I say “fine ”…
Whenever I eat an apple around co-workers, I feel so bad because it’s so loud. In my head I always say, “Don’t worry guys, we’ll get through this.” And it pains me to know, that they’ll never know how caring I am, because my loud crunching offsets my carefulness.
Hey you! It’s me. This is weird, right? It just seems like everyone’s writing these letters and I wanted to jump on the bandwagon. That’s so like us, getting into a trend way too late. But, anyways, just wanted to tell Eliza of the future to never write a letter to herself again. I know you’re just bored right now and that’s why you’re doing it, but next time use this boredom time for something better, something more beneficial. Also stop buying Kombucha and maybe invest in some post-its, because that reminder is something that could’ve been put on a post-it, rather than a letter to your future self. So, how does one typically end these letters? I love you, I guess.
There are certain things people should just know. For example, the other day I was riding the subway and there was this woman who, rather than using the pole to hold, like it was intended for, she was holding on with her butt crack. Completely leaning up against the pole with her butt. And I don’t think that there is a polite way of saying, hey that’s not for your butt crack.
But, maybe she just doesn’t know, just like I didn’t know how to wear a belt correctly until middle school. I used to wear the buckle part all the way to the side, instead of the front. Luckily someone pointed out my error and I made a change. I am grateful to that person and I think of them whenever I wear a belt. And perhaps, that is exactly what I can be to this woman. Every time she is tempted to use her butt crack as support she will think of me.