Every time I dig through cookie dough ice cream and find no cookie dough I ask myself, “Is this some sick joke?” Then I realize the joke is on me, because I’m the one who is home alone on a Friday night eating ice cream out of the container and talking to myself.
For Valentine’s Day-The Disney Relationships You Wish You Had
Belle and the Beast: Every woman wishes someone loved her enough to kidnap her, lock her up and yell at her a lot. That’s how true love grows and flourishes. Plus the beast was super hot. Body full of fur, giant teeth, a terrifying voice, and lots of weird embellished outfits. Yes please!
Pocahontas & John Smith: They always say the best relationships bloom when a man first thinks of you as a savage and their relationship was no exception. Maybe they didn’t stay together in the end, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. A long distance relationship with a man who doesn’t completely respect me or my family/tribe? Yes please!
Ariel & Eric: We all want a man to fall in love with our looks and not our opinions or personality. That’s why their relationship was perfect! Ariel lost her voice but not her beauty, which is what truly matters. Also, a man who’d still want to have sex with me after finding out I’m a sea creature? Yes please!
Cinderella &: Prince Charming: A man who is gracious enough to return a womans shoe after a wild night out? Yes PLEASE!
Simba & Nala: I want to have sex with a lion.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: 7 men to have sex with? Yes please!
Cinderella and Those 3 Mice Friends: 3 super supportive and encouraging mice to have sex with? Yes please!
Princess Jasmine and her dad: A supportive dad would be nice.
My new favorite thing that keeps happening to me is after a snowstorm when it’s really slippery out, I’ll be walking outside and a little old lady will ask me to hold her hand while she crosses the street. It feels so good to help someone and they are always so grateful. Recently, however, I saw a little old lady who I thought was struggling to cross the street. I asked if she wanted me to hold her hand. She looked deeply disturbed and made me feel like some weird creep who goes around town looking for old people to hold her hand so she won’t feel so alone for a couple of minutes during the day. And the worst part was she was right.
The other day I was walking home, holding my Trader Joe’s grocery bag close to my heart, because I bought perfectly ripe bananas and I felt very protective over them, when I saw two different couples making out. It was then that I realized love comes in all shapes and sizes. And mine just happened to be a grocery bag filled with perfectly ripe bananas.
The other day I was walking and a man looked at this girl ahead of me and made these gross kissing noises to her as she walked past him. I wanted to ask him what he thought that would do? Did he think the girl would fall in love with him and start kissing him back? Did he think that she would think he was cool and ask him out? I also wanted to ask him, what about me?
Flat Belly Secrets: 6 Things You're Not Doing But NEED To In Order To Get That Six-Pack
1)Pray: Ask whatever God or mythical spirit you believe in for toned abs. If you pray hard enough I think there is a 50% chance your prayers will be answered (So long as you are following a diet and exercise regimen in addition to the praying.)
2)Draw It: Use a pen or marker to draw that six-pack on. Try to find the best color for your skin tone. You want it to look natural. When people say “Hey, you drew those on.” Say, “What?” Then run away. Running will also help you get a six-pack.
3)Paint It: Similar to drawing your abs on, but use paint this time. If you’re tired of running, walk briskly and pray that people asking about your painted-on abs won’t catch up to you.
4)Try Crunches: When you get too tired/angry start praying again. Then grab that pen or a paint brush because those abs won’t be beautifully crafted by themselves.
5)Load Up on Fiber: Eating a ton of fiber will help you forget about all the difficulties you’re facing while getting those sculpted abs. From the pain you’ve endured to wash off the paint and pen marks, to the crunch you attempted, a food coma in fiber form is well earned and necessary.
6)Maybe a Milk Bath? It might help get off those pen and paint marks.
I have these calcium gummy vitamins that I take every morning, because I am an adult who needs calcium and prefers to get my vitamins in candy form. There are 3 flavors, cherry, orange and strawberry. I don’t like the orange ones as much as the others and am always a little sad when I have to eat that flavor. Recently, however, upon purchasing a new jar of my gummy calcium supplements I had a revelation. I decided to eat all of the orange ones before I got to the other flavors. I knew it would be a challenge, but once I finished them I would have only the good flavors to look forward to. I called my challenge “Operation Orange.” Well, today I completed “Operation Orange” and I can honestly say undergoing this was one of the best decisions of my life. Now, with only the cherry and strawberry flavors left, I wake up every morning excited to start the day. I feel strong and alive and it’s not just because I’m meeting my daily calcium needs, it’s because I challenged myself and I succeeded.
For my entire life, people have thought me a bit off. Of course, they are too polite to say this to my face and I am slightly paranoid, but I know it’s true. I am a bit off. I’m overly friendly and have an odd habit of pulling my shirt sleeves over my hands. When asked how I’m doing I say “fine ”…
Whenever I eat an apple around co-workers, I feel so bad because it’s so loud. In my head I always say, “Don’t worry guys, we’ll get through this.” And it pains me to know, that they’ll never know how caring I am, because my loud crunching offsets my carefulness.
Hey you! It’s me. This is weird, right? It just seems like everyone’s writing these letters and I wanted to jump on the bandwagon. That’s so like us, getting into a trend way too late. But, anyways, just wanted to tell Eliza of the future to never write a letter to herself again. I know you’re just bored right now and that’s why you’re doing it, but next time use this boredom time for something better, something more beneficial. Also stop buying Kombucha and maybe invest in some post-its, because that reminder is something that could’ve been put on a post-it, rather than a letter to your future self. So, how does one typically end these letters? I love you, I guess.
There are certain things people should just know. For example, the other day I was riding the subway and there was this woman who, rather than using the pole to hold, like it was intended for, she was holding on with her butt crack. Completely leaning up against the pole with her butt. And I don’t think that there is a polite way of saying, hey that’s not for your butt crack.
But, maybe she just doesn’t know, just like I didn’t know how to wear a belt correctly until middle school. I used to wear the buckle part all the way to the side, instead of the front. Luckily someone pointed out my error and I made a change. I am grateful to that person and I think of them whenever I wear a belt. And perhaps, that is exactly what I can be to this woman. Every time she is tempted to use her butt crack as support she will think of me.
For me a positive attitude is so important. Today I was out of clean running clothes, because I have been too lazy to do laundry, but I didn’t let that get me down. I just put on an old pair and was good to go. Thinking positively turns disgusting and lazy into resourceful, smart, and environmentally conscious.
When I was in middle school I was really into combining weird ingredients, microwaving them and eating it. My favorite concoction was chocolate chips, butter and brown sugar. I loved it. I had to stop though because, I found out I had high cholesterol.
But I recently started to think, what if I kept up this habit? And I would bring in all my ingredients to work and spend like an hour in the kitchen microwaving away. I could be the “Martha Stewart” of the office, but a fun Martha Stewart. A Martha Stewart who doesn’t care about measurements, organization, precision or health. A Martha Stewart who also doesn’t care about cleanup, because I’m really lazy when it comes to doing dishes. I think everyone would hate it.
I think people in commercials are too excited about the products they’re selling. It’s always, “the best” or “the greatest” or “amazing.” That doesn’t make me want to try any of this stuff. Where’s the mystery? Where’s the intrigue? That’s why I think it would be better if the advertisers just said the products were “okay” or “alright” or maybe “good?” but in kind of an unsure, questioning way. With those words my curiosity is piqued. It’s my job to test it out for them, for everyone. I guess it would make me feel special.
I can’t afford to buy magazines, which is sad, because sometimes I want to read them for the beauty tips and articles. Then I figured, why can’t I just make my own? Here’s my version of Cosmo.
-Ads-Lots of them and just when you think you’re done with them they’re more.
-Article about pleasing your man-it’s all about him-forget about you. Titled, “Hiding Your Face Makes Sex Easier For Him!”
-Article about finding your confidence-so you can please your man. Titled “Get Confident So He Can Get Off”
-Your fat-how to lose weight-gain confidence and please your man. Titled “Lose It And Groove It Or Else He Won’t Do It.”
-A chat with a celebrity wearing a bikini with a long sleeve top. She tells us how she feels confident and how she pleases a man. Titled “How “Insert Celebrity” Learned To Love Herself By Falling In Love And Having Sex And Stuff”
-A mini article about a new sex position to please your man. Titled “This One’s Gonna Hurt Ladies, But It’s Great For Him!”
-Another mini article about makeup tips-for the bedroom-to please your man. Titled “Dress Up To Get Down”
-Article about burning calories while pleasing your man. Titled “Getting Hot While Melting Fat”
The other day Sephora was offering free makeover sessions in Union Square. I decided to take them up on their offer. I’m really bad at doing makeup, so I figured now was my chance to learn something and get it done by a professional. The guy doing my lipstick was really nice, but I guess we had different opinions about my look. I was going for “angelic” and he was more of the “clown variety.” Needless to say, as I was walking around I got a couple of stares. I just thought it was because I looked good. I imagined people thinking, “Where is her halo?” but they were probably just thinking, “go back where you came from, clown.” That or, “Thanks for the warning, I won’t get my makeup done at Sephora.”
Sometimes I send myself emails to reassure and encourage myself. But they kind of have the opposite effect. I often forget I send them and then it’s actually first alarming, and then depressing to get a surprise email from yourself with the subject “I love you” and the body saying “everything is going to be okay.”
The other day at work I opened a yogurt container. It exploded, but I thought I had made it out okay, with most of the explosion getting on the floor. I felt lucky.
About an hour later I had to go to the bathroom. It wasn’t until I had looked in the mirror that I realized I had a large chunk of yogurt in my hair. This was disappointing on many levels. One because, it was gross, and two because, it looked like semen. I guess those were the only levels. But the semen one is good for like 12 levels.
I don’t like to-do lists. I don’t like seeing things I have to do in list form. I find it stressful and I think it looks aggressive. The list is basically yelling at you to do specific things with your free time, it’s like a nagging parent. I’d much rather do things by my own accord and be proud of myself for spontaneously doing it. For me, there is no thrill or rush gotten from crossing something off a list. I like the surprise of doing something right.
The other day I was at a bar with my roommate and I saw an old man walking in my direction. I stared at him for a second and thought, “Wow, old people are real buzz kills.” Then I felt bad about it, so I smiled at him. This turned out to be a bad choice, because once he shuffled over to me, he patted me on the head and said, “what are you looking at?” He seemed angry. Turns out my first thought was correct
There are still some cleaning supplies I haven’t bought for my room, but I don’t see the point. A table in my room tends to get dusty, but why would I get a duster or some cleaning spray when I can just blow the dust away using my own breath? This gets rid of it, for a little while at least, and it makes me feel powerful and useful. I have a purpose now and that purpose is to get rid of dust in my room. Sure, the dust comes back but that just gives me another opportunity to feel like a machine. I play inspirational music when I do it too, so that way everyone, meaning my cat and the musicians are cheering me on. I’m my very own duster and I’m proud.
I’m also broke and not buying a duster is saving me some money. So self-encouragement helps.
You go through life thinking you’re immune to the power of advertisements. But then you find yourself with platform sneakers, oxblood colored pants, and a closet full of peter pan collar tops that you never wear. Instead they just stare at you, mock you, and remind you of how weak you are. Shopping is fun.
I’ve never been more aware of the fact that I was single than this past weekend. After being stuck inside during the snowstorm on Friday, the next day I was ready to get out. So I opted to walk around by myself as I do most Saturdays. But the snow created a lot of large, deep puddles. At first I didn’t mind stepping in them, but then my feet started to get wet. Then, worst of all, I kept getting behind couples. The boy would help the girl through the puddle and I would be left alone to fend for myself. The puddles were too big and I kept stepping directly into them. I began to hate the couples around me, even more than usual, which is saying a lot. After that I started to reflect on my previous night stuck inside, alone. I had a dance party, alone. Then I hung out with my roommate’s cat and watched three episodes of “Louie.” I realized I have it pretty good. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Sure these couples have each other to get through puddles, but I have freedom.
I went to a club the other night and it cost $30 to get in. I would never in a million years spend that kind of money on a club, but my friend wanted to go so I went to be supportive. Honestly, I think it was the grossest place I have ever been to in my life. Mainly because it smelled like people had just been farting for hours. It’s like because it was loud and dark they just felt free to express themselves in farts. The most annoying part is people act like they’re so cool and chic, paying lots of money to go dance, but meanwhile they’re just farting up a storm. And that is why I will never go to a club again.
Sometimes when I’m really cold and walking to work, I’ll see a dog walking with its’ owner and I’ll think, “Wow, I’d love to be that dog.” But, today I realized that’s actually a really sad way to think.
One of my least favorite things is when you’re walking behind someone and then you decide you are faster than they are and want to pass them. So you start to speed up, but then they speed up too and you’re walking together, side by side. I always feel so weird. What do I do? Speed up or slow down? It’s like a secret race, and being extremely competitive I always jog ahead. But I think the way to remedy the situation is to reach out your hand and walk together. Not only will this stop my competitive edge, but it will also ease my loneliness.
In 2nd grade I was really good at drawing horses. So good, in fact, friends would ask me to draw for them and I was more than happy to oblige. It was a really great time in my life. But my drawing ability lasted only that year. Something snapped and I don’t know what it was, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I guess my talents just shifted as I got interested in other things. My classmates and I would have a contest for who could squeeze in their nose, basically plug it without using your hands, for the longest amount of time. I was the second best at this. I also got really into curling all of my fingers together very quickly. I was the fastest in my class and people were pretty impressed. But these things aren’t useful today. Today it would be really cool if I were still good at drawing horses. Maybe I could even make a job of it. I guess I could try to make a job of the other things, but I’m not really sure what those jobs would entail.
This peanut butter has been powdered and defatted. It’s called “Great Stuff.” But I think it should be called “Sad Stuff,” because that’s what peanut butter without fat tastes like. From now on I’m going to stick to Peanut Butter & Co. “Smooth Operator.” A peanut butter I not only love and respect, but one whose name accurately describes it.