You know what’s crazy to think about? If Ariel the Little Mermaid were to die, what her eulogy would be like. Do you think the fact that she was a mermaid would be addressed? Or would that be glossed over? And if it was included, how much detail would one go into? Like would the whole Ursula ordeal be mentioned?Also would Flounder, Sebastian and her other sea friends be able to go to said funeral? Another crazy thing to think about is that I NEED A JOB!
I think Maria von Trapp should get a life. These are a few of her favorite things?
1)Raindrops on roses-Rain sucks and roses are for losers.
2)Whiskers on kittens-DUMB.
3)Bright copper kettles-Who cares about kettles give me something I can actually enjoy, like money and or someone to love me. I’m lonely.
4)Warm woolen mittens-I want gloves. Mittens are for babies.
5)Brown paper packages tied up with strings-wrap my presents in nice paper PLEASE.
6)Cream colored ponies-DIE.
7)Crisp apple strudels-YUCK.
8)Doorbells-I could care less about doorbells. Walk into my house for all I care. Ring the bell and all hell breaks lose. I swear. I HATE the sound of bells.
9)Sleigh bells-Ugh, PLEASE NO MORE BELLS!
10)Schnitzel with noodles-YUCK AGAIN. Maria’s got the worst taste. I’d rather eat a fried up whisker from a cat. :)
11)Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings-I’m never out at night to see these geese, but I wish I were!!!
12)Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes-Kids? Who needs them! Not me. And kids in white dresses? EVEN WORSE! Just try keeping those clean.
13)Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes-And look like a fucking idiot? No thank you! I appreciate the sentiment, but you’re a real idiot.
14)Silver white winters that melt into springs-What part of snow is terrible, don’t you understand? Just give me a mild Winter, with lots of wild geese flying around. Thank you!
Sometimes when I drink water I get too proud of myself. I have to remind myself that staying hydrated really isn’t that difficult or big of a deal. It’s something that is just expected of me. But then I think, hey don’t sell yourself short. You’re doing great. You may not have a “real” job but you’re drinking water and being you and that’s all that matters.
When I see someone with a rattail. I don’t think of it as ugly. I think of it as their true soul peeking out of their body. A person with a rattail isn’t asking for acceptance, with their no-holds-barred approach to hair growth, they’re demanding it.
A cute fart. Reserved for one that is roughly a second long and is in an alto range. A smile will add even more cuteness to this already adorable fart.
This face is for the bigger, louder, and more grotesque farts. You want the reaction to be fear and then laughter. And, believe me, this will get big laughs.
Perfect for the honk fart. This fart is a surprise for everyone, even you. Coupled with your adorable surprised expression, will invoke nostalgic memories of children’s birthday parties with party horns. People will love you for this.
Hold The Phone
A silent or extremely quiet fart that runs the risk of smelling terrible. You want to conceal this fart, so pretend you’re on the phone. You’re busy. Your hands are full and your mind is occupied. You’re a professional. There is NO way you could be farting!
Reserved for the slow, long fart that you want no part of. It sounds bad and you are ashamed. You want others to know that you are a kind person and you’re concerned for their well being. You had no control of this bodily function, but you are deeply sorry. With a face like that, they’ll understand.
Sometimes when I’m in a yoga class I purposely do poses wrong so that the yoga teacher will have to physically fix it. And it’s only when I’m in a legs bent terrible excuse for a downward dog and saying, “Please touch me” in my head, do I realize how sad it is.
The other day I was waiting for the subway and I saw a rat on the platform. I’m not the biggest rat fan, but I think we can all agree that we should applaud this rat for his bravery. He stepped out of his comfort zone and took a risk. He probably felt out of place, but he looked confident and I think that’s something we can all aspire to.
Last week I googled, “Is everything worse in my head?” I didn’t get a good answer, but the realization that I’m an idiot rang loud and clear.
I’ve never been suspended from anything before. I’m sorry, New York Public Library. I guess this is goodbye to my good girl image.
Every time I dig through cookie dough ice cream and find no cookie dough I ask myself, “Is this some sick joke?” Then I realize the joke is on me, because I’m the one who is home alone on a Friday night eating ice cream out of the container and talking to myself.