Sometimes when I’m in a yoga class I purposely do poses wrong so that the yoga teacher will have to physically fix it. And it’s only when I’m in a legs bent terrible excuse for a downward dog and saying, “Please touch me” in my head, do I realize how sad it is.
The other day I was waiting for the subway and I saw a rat on the platform. I’m not the biggest rat fan, but I think we can all agree that we should applaud this rat for his bravery. He stepped out of his comfort zone and took a risk. He probably felt out of place, but he looked confident and I think that’s something we can all aspire to.
Last week I googled, “Is everything worse in my head?” I didn’t get a good answer, but the realization that I’m an idiot rang loud and clear.
I’ve never been suspended from anything before. I’m sorry, New York Public Library. I guess this is goodbye to my good girl image.
Every time I dig through cookie dough ice cream and find no cookie dough I ask myself, “Is this some sick joke?” Then I realize the joke is on me, because I’m the one who is home alone on a Friday night eating ice cream out of the container and talking to myself.
But she dropped her rat.
That’s not how I look after I check my savings account.
Babies are cute and all, but I feel like I can’t relate to them because they don’t have nail art/know what nail art is. Their hands just look so dumb and pointless.
I hope you’re calling someone about your nails.
I’d be crying too if I had super small nails with no nail polish.
Yeah, you’re all dressed up but you might as well not go to that party. Your nails look like crap.
I’m tired too. Your nails are boring me.
You look like you’re having the time of your life. But you don’t know what living is until you’ve had your nails painted to look like little individual watermelon.
For Valentine’s Day-The Disney Relationships You Wish You Had
Belle and the Beast: Every woman wishes someone loved her enough to kidnap her, lock her up and yell at her a lot. That’s how true love grows and flourishes. Plus the beast was super hot. Body full of fur, giant teeth, a terrifying voice, and lots of weird embellished outfits. Yes please!
Pocahontas & John Smith: They always say the best relationships bloom when a man first thinks of you as a savage and their relationship was no exception. Maybe they didn’t stay together in the end, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. A long distance relationship with a man who doesn’t completely respect me or my family/tribe? Yes please!
Ariel & Eric: We all want a man to fall in love with our looks and not our opinions or personality. That’s why their relationship was perfect! Ariel lost her voice but not her beauty, which is what truly matters. Also, a man who’d still want to have sex with me after finding out I’m a sea creature? Yes please!
Cinderella &: Prince Charming: A man who is gracious enough to return a womans shoe after a wild night out? Yes PLEASE!
Simba & Nala: I want to have sex with a lion.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: 7 men to have sex with? Yes please!
Cinderella and Those 3 Mice Friends: 3 super supportive and encouraging mice to have sex with? Yes please!
Princess Jasmine and her dad: A supportive dad would be nice.
My new favorite thing that keeps happening to me is after a snowstorm when it’s really slippery out, I’ll be walking outside and a little old lady will ask me to hold her hand while she crosses the street. It feels so good to help someone and they are always so grateful. Recently, however, I saw a little old lady who I thought was struggling to cross the street. I asked if she wanted me to hold her hand. She looked deeply disturbed and made me feel like some weird creep who goes around town looking for old people to hold her hand so she won’t feel so alone for a couple of minutes during the day. And the worst part was she was right.