The Weezie Going Blog

When I see someone with a rattail. I don’t think of it as ugly. I think of it as their true soul peeking out of their body. A person with a rattail isn’t asking for acceptance, with their no-holds-barred approach to hair growth, they’re demanding it. 

The Best Face To Make Depending On The Fart You’re Making

Smile

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A cute fart. Reserved for one that is roughly a second long and is in an alto range. A smile will add even more cuteness to this already adorable fart.

Scared

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This face is for the bigger, louder, and more grotesque farts. You want the reaction to be fear and then laughter. And, believe me, this will get big laughs.

Surprised

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Perfect for the honk fart. This fart is a surprise for everyone, even you. Coupled with your adorable surprised expression, will invoke nostalgic memories of children’s birthday parties with party horns. People will love you for this.

Hold The Phone

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A silent or extremely quiet fart that runs the risk of smelling terrible. You want to conceal this fart, so pretend you’re on the phone. You’re busy. Your hands are full and your mind is occupied. You’re a professional. There is NO way you could be farting! 

Concerned/Worried

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Reserved for the slow, long fart that you want no part of. It sounds bad and you are ashamed. You want others to know that you are a kind person and you’re concerned for their well being. You had no control of this bodily function, but you are deeply sorry. With a face like that, they’ll understand. 

Sometimes when I’m in a yoga class I purposely do poses wrong so that the yoga teacher will have to physically fix it. And it’s only when I’m in a legs bent terrible excuse for a downward dog and saying, “Please touch me” in my head, do I realize how sad it is.

The other day I was waiting for the subway and I saw a rat on the platform. I’m not the biggest rat fan, but I think we can all agree that we should applaud this rat for his bravery. He stepped out of his comfort zone and took a risk. He probably felt out of place, but he looked confident and I think that’s something we can all aspire to. 

Last week I googled, “Is everything worse in my head?” I didn’t get a good answer, but the realization that I’m an idiot rang loud and clear.

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I’ve never been suspended from anything before. I’m sorry, New York Public Library. I guess this is goodbye to my good girl image.

Every time I dig through cookie dough ice cream and find no cookie dough I ask myself, “Is this some sick joke?” Then I realize the joke is on me, because I’m the one who is home alone on a Friday night eating ice cream out of the container and talking to myself.

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But she dropped her rat.

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That’s not how I look after I check my savings account.

Babies are cute and all, but I feel like I can’t relate to them because they don’t have nail art/know what nail art is. Their hands just look so dumb and pointless.

I hope you’re calling someone about your nails.

I’d be crying too if I had super small nails with no nail polish.

Yeah, you’re all dressed up but you might as well not go to that party. Your nails look like crap.

I’m tired too. Your nails are boring me.

You look like you’re having the time of your life. But you don’t know what living is until you’ve had your nails painted to look like little individual watermelon.