My new favorite thing that keeps happening to me is after a snowstorm when it’s really slippery out, I’ll be walking outside and a little old lady will ask me to hold her hand while she crosses the street. It feels so good to help someone and they are always so grateful. Recently, however, I saw a little old lady who I thought was struggling to cross the street. I asked if she wanted me to hold her hand. She looked deeply disturbed and made me feel like some weird creep who goes around town looking for old people to hold her hand so she won’t feel so alone for a couple of minutes during the day. And the worst part was she was right.
They say breakfast is the most important part of your day, but I would argue that there are more important parts. They are as follows:
1)The part where you put on pants
2)The part where you put on a shirt
3)The part where you put on shoes and other necessary accessories
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you just don’t want to be naked for the whole day.
The other day I was walking home, holding my Trader Joe’s grocery bag close to my heart, because I bought perfectly ripe bananas and I felt very protective over them, when I saw two different couples making out. It was then that I realized love comes in all shapes and sizes. And mine just happened to be a grocery bag filled with perfectly ripe bananas.
No one wants to see you here, wolf.
Why don’t you get your own life, owl. Stop intruding on mine.
Okay, deer, I get it. Now let me forget about you for the next 4 months.
I don’t like the way you look. Give me a break from your face.
Stock up those nuts and go to sleep. You’re bothering me.
You’re too sly for your own good and mine. I don’t like knowing you’re out there. Go to bed.
I don’t want to clean your poop anymore. Please sleep!
Liza has always had a punk/rebellious streak when it comes to clothes. We would get her dressed and immediately she would start adjusting her outfit to her liking. Her efforts were never an improvement, which is one of the reasons I think it’s ironic that she’s working at American Apparel. Here are some examples of Liza in her willful prime: Accessories like fake plastic glasses and the party dress with Jake’s Ninja Turtles cap worn backwards were trademark touches. Check out what she did to the yellow and red teddybear and hearts outfit I got her one Christmas. Add a defiant jaw-set and Flashdance the top, and you’ve got classic Liza.
I would give anything to have that Ninja Turtles hat back.
The other day I was walking and a man looked at this girl ahead of me and made these gross kissing noises to her as she walked past him. I wanted to ask him what he thought that would do? Did he think the girl would fall in love with him and start kissing him back? Did he think that she would think he was cool and ask him out? I also wanted to ask him, what about me?
Rain today with cloud farts tonight. This is the worst birthday weather ever :(
1)Pray: Ask whatever God or mythical spirit you believe in for toned abs. If you pray hard enough I think there is a 50% chance your prayers will be answered (So long as you are following a diet and exercise regimen in addition to the praying.)
2)Draw It: Use a pen or marker to draw that six-pack on. Try to find the best color for your skin tone. You want it to look natural. When people say “Hey, you drew those on.” Say, “What?” Then run away. Running will also help you get a six-pack.
3)Paint It: Similar to drawing your abs on, but use paint this time. If you’re tired of running, walk briskly and pray that people asking about your painted-on abs won’t catch up to you.
4)Try Crunches: When you get too tired/angry start praying again. Then grab that pen or a paint brush because those abs won’t be beautifully crafted by themselves.
5)Load Up on Fiber: Eating a ton of fiber will help you forget about all the difficulties you’re facing while getting those sculpted abs. From the pain you’ve endured to wash off the paint and pen marks, to the crunch you attempted, a food coma in fiber form is well earned and necessary.
6)Maybe a Milk Bath? It might help get off those pen and paint marks.
I have these calcium gummy vitamins that I take every morning, because I am an adult who needs calcium and prefers to get my vitamins in candy form. There are 3 flavors, cherry, orange and strawberry. I don’t like the orange ones as much as the others and am always a little sad when I have to eat that flavor. Recently, however, upon purchasing a new jar of my gummy calcium supplements I had a revelation. I decided to eat all of the orange ones before I got to the other flavors. I knew it would be a challenge, but once I finished them I would have only the good flavors to look forward to. I called my challenge “Operation Orange.” Well, today I completed “Operation Orange” and I can honestly say undergoing this was one of the best decisions of my life. Now, with only the cherry and strawberry flavors left, I wake up every morning excited to start the day. I feel strong and alive and it’s not just because I’m meeting my daily calcium needs, it’s because I challenged myself and I succeeded.