The other day I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. The dentist causes a lot of problems for me, the first being, what do I do with my eyes? Should I keep them shut as I get my teeth cleaned? Should I stare into my dentists’ eyes or into the light? No matter what I choose for my eyes, the fact that I’m lying down with someone’s hand in my mouth just seems too intimate for me. The conversation also proves difficult. This time was no different. While my dentist was flossing my teeth she was telling me about her recent vacation to Colorado. I decided I could add to the conversation by saying one of my conversation go-to words, “really” not realizing how much it would require me to move my tongue. As I said it I licked her hand. She seemed surprised as she quickly took her hand out of my mouth. After that she stopped flossing, but continued the conversation and it took everything in my power not to laugh, as I looked her in the eyes, pretending I was listening, but really only thinking about how I had licked her. Luckily I made it through the rest of the appointment sans laughter and licking. I also have no cavities and she said I’ve done a good job flossing.
Me: Ladybug, Ladybug fly away home. Your house is on fire and your children are alone.
Ladybug: Oh my god, are you serious?
When I feel upset or discouraged I think back to the Winter of 2nd grade when I continuously licked my lips. They got so incredibly chapped that I pretty much developed a second outer lip, a giant red, dry skin patch, shaped like my mouth, enveloping my real mouth. I don’t do that anymore, so I have one lip, so things aren’t so bad.
Well, I did it. I finished this pack of seaweed. After reading that seaweed is good for hair growth, I ran out and bought some. People said it was disgusting. They couldn’t be around me when I ate it, but I kept going despite their dirty looks and hateful comments. After finishing this pack I have to say I have noticed zero difference in my hair, but I’m not disappointed. I learned something about myself. I’m a fighter, a former seaweed eater, and someone who desperately needs to stop getting hair growth advice online.
I think I understand myself more after realizing I was once Pepper Ann’s younger sister Moose.
Today I was in a bad mood, but then I started to sing that song “Devil Town” (here’s a link if you haven’t heard it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8Z0PYfcnBk ) This song alone usually makes me feel better, since It reminds me of “Friday Night Lights.” But today I discovered something amazing. I simply changed the words from “Devil Town” to “Deviled Egg” and I was transformed. Then I realized I could change the whole song using a deviled egg theme. It became:
I was living in a deviled egg
I didn’t know it was a deviled egg
Oh lord it really brings me down about the deviled egg.
All my friends were mayonnaise
I didn’t know they were mayonnaise
It turns out I was the paprika in the deviled egg.
I suppose this would mean nothing to you if you don’t know the song. But this has dramatically changed my life.
For one of my classes sophomore year of college I created Facebook profiles for authors and characters discussed throughout the course. I forgot about this project until the other day when I got this email.
I don’t know why but that Faith Hill song, “The Way You Love Me” has always bothered me. It’s been in my head for the past couple of days and I’m still so annoyed by it. I just think her wish is so stupid. So, in order to help me deal with my disdain for this song, I’ve decided to come up with a response from the male whom Faith Hill is singing to. If you don’t know it I’ve put copied the chorus below.
If I could grant
You one wish
I’d wish you could see the way you kiss
Ooh, I love watching you
When you’re driving me crazy
Hey, you know I love you, but why would you wish that for me? I mean you could’ve wished anything, is that really what you think I’d want. I guess it’s sweet…no it’s not, not at all. I’ve told you about my money problems. Could you at least wish for money? It doesn’t even have to be that large of an amount, just enough to pay off my mortgage. What about superpowers? I’d like to be able to fly. I know I’ve told you that at least once. What about a big penis? I know we’d both like that. I guess there are just a number of things I would’ve rather you wished for.
And the fact that you wished that makes me worried about our relationship. It’s just such a stupid wish. I mean I have eyes, like I can see how I kiss and I really don’t care about seeing it from some new perspective. How exactly would it work anyways? Like, how did you envision this? Would it be some out of body experience, would I be fully present in two different bodies, one of me kissing you the other watching? It just seems like you didn’t think this through.
Also your rhyme scheme is childish.
Before buying vintage dresses online remember that you are not the person modeling in the dress. You are much shorter.
Also, stop buying things online. I know once you get, what you call, “your present” in the mail you forget that you paid for it. But, it’s real money you’re using. Real money that you don’t have.
I usually hate when people tell me about their dreams, but I had the craziest dream last night. I killed someone in self-defense. This man broke into my house and was trying to hurt my family. First my mom tried to stab him. But she couldn’t kill him; she could only poke him. So, I was forced to do it. As he was dying, I looked at him, tears in my eyes and said, “I wish things were different.” And he said, “Me too.” When I woke up I didn’t know where I was, but one thing I knew for sure was that I have to stop watching Law and Order: SVU.